"I prefer crushed ice..."

This is a long post...sorry! I had the funniest thing happen to me last Friday. I was driving home from the store and was winding my way down through the neighborhoods. As I was driving I saw a black lady who was going door to door with her binder of things to sell. (I never understood why the southerners send their people here to sell to us and our people go there to sell them stuff, wouldn't it be easier to just do it in your own area?). Anyways, she was still aways from my subdivision and I was hoping that she wouldn't make it either. I was home by myself and I don't like answer the door, unless I am expecting you. Sure enough an hour and a half later I am sitting in my house with my shorts and tank top on when the doorbell rang. It wasn't just your typical ring, it was the type of ringing a child would do, pushing the button over and over. I thought at first that it was my friends coming over earlier for my party that night. So I am racing through the house trying to put clothes on so I can answer the door, and stop the idiot who is ringing the doorbell (over and over and over). Our front door was open a bit and when I peered through it I could see this lady walking off our porch. She caught my shadow and turned around. This is how the thing went down.

"Hello, hello in there," yelled the southern lady.

I begrudgingly answered the door by sticking my head out the storm door just a fraction of the way. "Hello?"

"Yessum, are you the missus of the house?" She inquired.

"No, she actually just stepped out for a moment," came my reply. I was hoping she would take the hint and just move along.

As she started to say goodbye, she turned around and got out this pathetic little Styrofoam cup. She held it up to me and said, "you know it is kind of hot out here. Would you mind putting ice in my cup?"

I told her I could and stepped outside to get her cup. As I was going back in the house she called back after me, "I prefer crushed ice, and if you have a granola bar that would be great."

I was startled a little at how forward she was at asking for food. Since it was a hot day I decided to replace her pathetic cup with a larger plastic cup. I changed the ice setting on the refrigerator and started to get her crushed ice. Looking around I started to think what I could give her as I did not have a granola bar in the house. As my eyes wandered over the counter I caught site of the bananas I had just purchased. I tore a banana from the bunch and started to head back outside.

When I stepped outside she grabbed the cup from and then looked disgustingly at my banana. "I can't eat that banana, it will make me faint. Do you have any cookies or chips that I can have? Those would be better for me."

I looked at her in disbelief. First, she didn't even thank me for the bigger cup of ice and now she was asking for something else when I thought I was being pretty nice to give her something. I told her that we do not keep things like that in our house (which is pretty much true). She asked me to return back to the house and check yet again. I continued to tell her that we don't eat chips or cookies and the banana is all I had.

She looked disdainfully at the banana, snatched it out of my hand and said, "I guess this will have to do. Just pray for me that I won't pass out." With that she was gone with not even a thanks for anything that I had given her..

My mind was a whirl during this whole episode. I had wondered why in our schools they never taught us chips and cookies were better than potassium loaded bananas. Obviously they teach things differently down south. I also thought that they taught good manners down south. Every southerner I have met has been nothing but polite and had great manners. I guess not everyone comes from that kind of background. As she walked away I did pray that she wouldn't pass out, but that she wouldn't pass out on my lawn. It was blasted hot and I didn't want to do that much physical labor trying to move her body from my yard to the neighbors.